fuck this job.com

I emailed my boss-to-be today to check in on the status of my job, because I was told that there's a possibility that it will start sooner than the penciled-in date of July 1st.

Indeed, it will start sooner. Nearly a month sooner. June 6th is the day, and that means... drumroll please...

Today I get to hand in my two weeks notice!

In reality, I will simply explain that I'm starting a new job soon. While I have this space, however, I think I'll type a sort of "fantasy" notice. Let's see here...

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Attn Mr. Boss:

I find it not only uplifting, but also somewhat amusing that on this day of May 20th, 2005, I am turning in my two weeks notice of resignation.

I find it amusing due to the fact that I am actually bothering to deliver this notice, since I could easily be replaced by a windmill... which could do my job without significant loss of efficiency and still earn as much income as I do. Also note that ninety-nine percent of the tragic morons that pass through your doors would not notice a difference so long as a shaggy strawberry-blond wig was placed atop said device.

I find it uplifting due to the fact that I will no longer be subjected to the everyday dumb-assery of the common consumer. I cannot stress enough how truly braindead your clientele are. I heartily recommend that you change your company name to "Bottom of the Barrel" since this is how the general public view your establishment anyway.

I honestly believe -- in my heart of hearts -- that if half of your customers could find their way into a library, there would be a fifty-percent increase in the number of people who think that "United States Map" is an invisible country north of Canada.

In anticipation of your resistance to my previously recommended change of name, I must urgently and alternatively request that you turn on all available propane tanks and give out free sparklers at the door. Your cooperation will put humanity as a whole in your debt.

Please now view my ass as I leave.

With the utmost respect for your continued sanity, well wishes to all literate co-workers, and no desire to ever again see this place standing,

~Candall Stythe.

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I'll probably just say something along the lines of, "hey, boss... two weeks and I'm out, chief."