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The amazing Hiring Practices of my company

So, I'm in the process of hiring an employee whose either going to by my assistant or my replacement -- I haven't figured it out yet. Now, my boss is mad cheap, so we can't actually get a good software engineer with talent, or a skilled IT person. We're looking at three demographics:

1) Former high-placed geeks whose terrible attitudes, lack of skill or crack addiction got them blacklisted from all the good companies. You can tell these by the reek of sweet, sweet desperation that rolls off them like bad cologne at a sales meeting.

2) Foreigners. Yeah, I know we're computer people, but it's nice to be able to talk to my employees in English, and have them respond in kind. I mean, nothing says productivity like a substandard education combined with a barrier to communication.

3) College Kids. Okay, so they suck at programming and don't know how having a job really works. Sure, they lack practical experience and are generally useless for their first year or two. But frankly, they're normal, they speak English, they're usually willing to learn and at least they have a sense of the basics.

So, needless to say, I tried to find #3. Given that we're offering pennies, my list of possibilities was culled to community colleges and possibly the University of Phoenix. Somehow, I managed to find a guy. Interviewed him, liked him. Normal, clean-cut, American college grad -- got all dressed up for the interview, spoke easily.

I liked him. So I called him back for a second interview with JA (The boss). Big mistake.

My boss doesn't like him, because his personal blog page (which uses a standard, PHP blog template) wasn't "pretty" enough. Nevermind that we're hiring him for programming, not design. Nevermind that JA has no idea what programming is, how one goes about doing it, or what constitutes 'Good' programming. No no. It's not pretty, so we can't hire him.

My boss then goes hunting on Monster.com, and comes up with what he considers prospects. They are as follows (names changed to protect the idiots):

Pork Fried Eggroll -- A 30 something, fat-ass Chinese chick whose only relevant programming experience occured in 1987 (I was 4 years old at the time) and was in FORTRAN. I preliminarily interviewed her and was not impressed. Since that interview, she has sent 3 follow-up E-mails that positively reek of desperation. Boss likes her because: "She has no life, and no chance of ever getting a life, so she's the perfect employee."

Ramshamhaddaradash al'Sheik bin'Terrorist -- Graduated from the 'University of India'. All previous projects link to websites which no longer exist. Address is '6' (not kidding. That's it). Phone number links to a city that's 2 hours away. Resume shows complete lack of English skills, despite claiming, "English verry good" (sp). Boss likes him because: "He's cheap!"

Shahera Patel -- Lists all programming languages in the known universe on her resume without providing any information on where she used them. Lists skill level with all as 'Intermediate' with the time-frame 'used for 1 year up to 2 year ago' selected. Boss likes him/her because: "She's got lots of good abbreviations on her resume."

If they are replacements for me, I pity my coworkers when these thundering retards are in charge of my department. If they're assistants, thanks, but I'll just do all the work myself. It's less of a headache that way.

Why do bosses so hate to admit that they don't know something? I mean, my boss is a business genius, but knows fuck-all about computers and programming and IT, and yet he tells me what's good and bad in a technical employee...

/sigh.

Even if I wanted to get fired, it's still gonna be years before they figure out how to replace me.

~SL

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Excellent blog
Submitted by juliewess on Tue, 07/11/2006 - 21:08.

I particularly liked the part about your list of possibilities culled to community colleges and the University of Phoenix. I had to snicker out loud on that one.

Just the other day I was telling my boyfriend that the University of Phoenix does not qualify as a real college. Just because you write a few papers and pay a bunch of money that does not make you college educated. My stupid boss (who graduated from UofP) says to me "Goll, I feel like I don't even deserve this degreee because it was so easy. All I did was write a bunch of papers and I graduated". I wanted to say "no shit dummy, thats why UofP is so popular, you don't have to study or take core classes or fine arts classes or math or languages. You just write some stupid paper and they give you a stupid fake degree". What a fucken loser.

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Loved it
Submitted by cruella74 on Wed, 07/12/2006 - 01:50.

Ramshamhaddaradash al'Sheik bin'Terrorist -- Graduated from the 'University of India'. All previous projects link to websites which no longer exist. Address is '6' (not kidding. That's it). Phone number links to a city that's 2 hours away. Resume shows complete lack of English skills, despite claiming, "English verry good" (sp). Boss likes him because: "He's cheap!"

Almost pissed myself laughing out loud at this one. Love the name. I love this whole thing. I need someone like you to keep in my back pocket so I can pull you out when I'm having a bad day :)

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LOL "lots of good abbreviations on her resume"
Submitted by Bent on Wed, 07/12/2006 - 04:43.

I feel for ya. It's probably worse in the IT field, but I can tell you that from what I've seen where I work, I'm guessing they base their decisions on how nice the persons teeth are, or that they smell good (if you smell bad they will hire you, but will get rid of you later) or send chocolates after the interview or remind them of their neice/nephew/daughter/son. Or that the particular shade of blue they wore to the interview that day calmed the raging PMS of the interviewer. Beware, next month it may have the opposite effect.
I live far enough way from the Big City now (I'm just being honest here) that we still don't get a whole lot of mixed ethnicity in our applicants. Shit, I wish we would. I originally come from an area that was very diverse. So far it seems that you have to be blood related, a neighbour, a long lost friend, an employee of a current client, or just desperate enough that they feel sorry for you to get hired and move ahead at lightening speed. Qualifications? lol. Yeah, I am bitter. I've worked hard and long and watched a lot of new comers race forward. It is justified bitterness. And so is yours.

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University of Phoenix
Submitted by justshootme on Thu, 07/13/2006 - 03:05.

I had to laugh at that comment too. I actually considered going there even though i was very skeptical. I know a couple of people who are currently going and all they do is write lots of papers. When I went to one of their "campuses" I found myself walking into a completely empty building. The office where you get information (whatever you call that) had 1 incompetent girl sitting at the reception area. I asked for a school brochure or book with all the course listings. They didn't have any! She said she had to photo copy some pages for me, and then the copier wasn't working. Finally she said she would have to email me a link with the information. When i asked to speak with an advisor, she had to call up some guy on a cellphone and he spoke to me on the cell. Talk about a shady operation. They charge as much tuition as a regular private university!! I don't understand how they are getting away with the fraud. People, if it's too good to be true, then it probably is. You can't just decide you want to get a Masters degree one fine morning and just get admitted into a program so easily. That by itself is a clue that this is not a real university. It's bad enough most university degrees are for the most part useless but damn, you do learn stuff, just not stuff that you can apply to real jobs. I don't know what you get out of the UofP. Hope nobody reading this is currently a student there.

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U of P - I saw a news show
Submitted by ookie on Thu, 07/13/2006 - 03:55.

about this place on like 20/20 or Dateline or some crap like that showing how that place is completely fraudulent. I guess they're able to get away with this because they (whoever the big people are who take care of this stuff) were able to get them suspended or close their business or whatever in the US, but shortly after doing so the guy in charge took it outside the US to some other island or territory and now nobody can do anything about it. :/

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Fake Universities...
Submitted by darthsidious on Thu, 07/13/2006 - 15:48.

Where I used to work, all the wannabees went to University of Phoenix or Webster University. Hell I know one guy getting a masters in computer programming and all he did was write papers about computer programming (not kidding). It was quite sad. Then they "graduate" and find out that the school lacked a key accredidation so now they are stuck.

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Thanks all ;p
Submitted by straylight on Thu, 07/13/2006 - 18:32.

Thanks for the positive strokes folks ;p. I try to amuse myself and others as an outlet to prevent me and my Armalite AR-15 from making a scene ;p.
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Monday is a lame way to spend 1/7 of your life

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