fuck this job.com

Good evening. I don't imagine I have many readers left after my prolonged absense, so please allow my history to speak for me. That's what I have here. A history. Read on, old readers and new, for a brief breakdown. Hey, that has two meanings!

Fthisjob Dot Com saw me through my final year as a cashier, celebrated with me when I left that job, and laughed at me when I came back bitching about my current job.

And then a year passed. Could it be that I've had nothing to say for a full year? Well, yes and no. You see, my job is frustrating on levels that elevators can't reach, but this frustration stems from only a few seeds, and I can only rehash the same material so many times.

Hence the absense. Now, however, the time has come. I shall stretch my arms wide and ring in a ball of hate. I fix computers for a school system. That's really all you need to know.

So here's how it goes. I get a task list and set about accomplishing the items set forth upon said document. "My printer is broken." I plug it in. "The computer doesn't work." I plug it in. You may be wondering if everything is fixed throught the mere application of plug to wall. Actually, no.

Let's discuss the phrase, "the computer doesn't work." This is a problematic phrase. I hear you asking, "why is that phrase problematic, Candall? The computer doesn't work!" Well, let me explain. I'm not such a hardass. Geez. The phrase is problematic because there are at least four computers in the room. Already, this phrase is 75% inefficient. Let's move on to the second half of this phrase. "Doesn't work." Well, isn't that just a regular little prayer to the gods of good communication? "Doesn't work" can mean absolutely anything. Does it fail to power up? Does it lock up? Does it crash? Will it not connect to the internet?

Ahh, that's it. Nine times out of ten, it doesn't connect to the internet. That's right. The entire computer is considered a failure because a patch cable is loose. Which one? Good fucking question. You have a 25% chance of not wasting your time on the second, third or fourth try.

So let's erase this phrase, "the computer doesn't work" and write in, "workstation 4 won't connect." Oh, wait, in case you didn't pay attention to the fourth paragraph, let me point out that these people are teachers. Yeah, that's right. One of those assholes that wrote "MORE DETAILS!!!" in red ink across your book report. How 'bout that shit?

Now let's discuss the phrase, "the printer doesn't work." Okay, so there's only one printer, usually. Great. Unfortunately, there's still that second half of the phrase. "Doesn't work." Okay... well, let's check the plug. Was that the problem? Ugh. No. Okay. Turn on the printer. Wait... what's this? Seventeen pages of Webdings in the tray? Perhaps this is the problem. That's just my guess. Either that or you were using those cute little pictures to tell a story. Well, now, I guess we'd better get this sorted out so you can print the final chapter.

So here's what happened. The teacher has tried to print the entire internet. Happens all the time. Surprisingly, it doesn't work... but teachers are a crafty bunch. They know what to do when a document won't print the first time... and that is "Keep Hitting the Button Until it Prints!" That's their motto. It won out just ahead of "Forty-seventh Time's a Charm!!"

Now it's time to check the next item on the list. Okay... let's see here... "the scanner doesn't work." Great. Okay, well, here we have a legitimate problem. There isn't much more to say about a scanner that won't work. I go about fixing the problem... reconfiguring this, re-installing that, setting all of the electronic ducks back in a row. Or maybe I just plug the fucking thing back in. But we won't go there again. We've been there already, and it makes us sad... so we'll pretend that it's a software issue, and now it's fixed. Now what happens? The teacher will ask me that infernal question....

"What was wrong with it?" It was fucking broken. That's what was wrong with it. I swear I don't know what you expect me to say. "The drivers were corrupted?" I doubt that. If I tell you that, you're going to want to know what drivers are, and how they get corrupted, and if I knew what caused them to get corrupted, I'd fix that problem instead of reinstalling your damned scanner, and then I'd be the hero. Be happy knowing that it works, okay? Honestly, do you think that you're no longer a staggering dumbass just long enough for me to explain something to you? Are you still going to remember it when you go back to being a staggering dumbass after I leave and your shit breaks again? I cast my doubt upon both scenarios.

"Candall, shame on you! You can't expect everyone to know how to fix computer problems!" Yeah, I know. I'm glad you said something, because I was trying to find a good way to drop the bomb on this issue.

You see, all three items on my list were in the same damn room.