fuck this job.com

Not the first bitch about this I've had, but I wanted to delve into this a little more and explain the horror of it and why I find end users so incredibly fucking stupid.

First, my credentials. 23 years in computers, 3 platforms, previous experience in C and assembly language, 12 years hardware, 6 years Unix administration, data centers, call centers, and everything in between.

Now, knowing this, I would certainly hope I would have learned a thing or two about a computer. Am I an all knowing god? No. Do I know a hell of a lot about a them? See the first statement.

I get a job in a call center doing technical support for retail software. I know full well going in I'm going to be dealing with end users. Some of them are pretty nice people, but a lot are assholes.

I will spell out what happens on my end, this way I can save others from calling in for support when it is clear you didn't complete the third grade and lack any true education.

1. Don't call yelling and screaming. I REALLY don't give a fuck. I do NOT care if your computer is down and you have a line of customers out the door. It's not my problem. Being an asshole will not make me help you any faster. I might not even help you at all.

2. Don't pretend to know more than I do. YOU CALLED ME. I'm happy you graduated from Harvard with a Bachelor's in electrical engineering. But wait a minute, why are you calling me for help? Surely you had to take some computer classes. If you want help, shut the fuck up, do what I tell you, and quit pretending to know more than I do.

3. You paid a lot of money for the product and you want it to work. Excellent diagnosis. I paid a lot of money for my car and I want it to work all the time. Shit breaks. Accept it.

4. The computer part you bought cost you $100 a few years ago and it doesn't work now. Welcome to the world of electronics. They do break. But you paid a lot of money for it? Whose fault is that? Don't start giving me shit that your $150 DVD+-RW drive is dead after 2 years. I didn't build it or break it. Buy a cheaper one next time.

5. I really, really, really don't give a shit how long you were on hold. Listen, can I call you asshole for a minute, I understand you waited on hold for 15 minutes (even though you claim an hour, but the hold times are on a reader board you fucking retard), I have ever uneducated asshole calling me bitching. Rather than waste 2 minutes telling me how pissed off you are (I don't care), tell me what the problem is. I don't control call volume. I don't care you waited on hold. Yes it sucks. Do you have to wait at red lights? Do you bitch to the city engineer's office about that? You don't like hold times, DON'T FUCKING CALL.

6. Don't tell me how our products work and that I'm wrong. I work here, you don't. I also have intricate knowledge of how software and hardware work together (remember my credentials?), you work in a porn shop or such (which I actually envy), it's a fact I know more than you about how this works. Do me a favor, you want to argue about how it works, fix it yourself or don't call.

7. DO NOT tell me "you will fix this problem or else". Look here asshole, I have your name, address, and phone number. You know my first name and the city I live in. That's all. DON'T PISS ME OFF. I already find you to be an incredible asshole. I don't have to do a god damn thing, and with your attitude, I don't plan to.

8. I don't want to hear bitching about how expensive our product is. DON'T BUY IT. I really don't care. I find Safeway and many other grocery stores overpriced. I shop at other places.

9. I really don't care about your life story. Your brother was hit by a car, the cat ran away, business sucks, your finances are fucked, blah blah blah. Hey, we all have problems. I'm here to make a buck and explain how it works. I'm not a counselor.

10. Teacher and technician are NOT synonymous. I am here to explain the product, not hold your hand and tell how to navigate Windows, install device drivers, configure your AUTOEXEC.BAT file, tweak your network card settings, or otherwise, be a teacher. That's why we have schools.

11. Know what the fuck you buy. When you buy a car, house, or other high dollar item, do you just BUY ONE? Probably not. I can't even begin to tell you how many dumbasses call me for help with their computer, I ask what it is, and hear "I don't know, I just bought what they had." You dumb fucking asshole. You shelled out $500 on a computer and have NO CLUE what it is? Pentium or Athlon? "Don't know." How much RAM? "Not sure." What speed is it? "How do I find that out?" First, pull your head out of your ass and quit buying shit without KNOWING what it is. I'm not spending an hour looking over it to determine what you bought. Find the box it came in or ask someone.

12. Don't fucking ask me to speak with someone else because you don't like the fact that YOU are a clueless fuck. You are pissing me off because you didn't realize a computer has to be ON TO USE IT (what a concept), I tell you this, it pisses you off, and now you want someone else. Because you are ignorant and can't figure out BASIC SHIT (electronics require electricity!), you are pissed.

13. I don't expect you to be a wizard with a computer. That's why you called me. But, don't do anything until I tell you to, and at least act like you finish middle school. Telling me this "thingy" doesn't work, but it used to, and you don't know what happened, but this other "thing" stopped working too, but you don't know what to call it. Whatever you do, be incredibly vague and evasive, then get pissed because I don't know what the fuck a "thingy" is.

14. I am really tired of hearing "but it always worked before." Question: Does it work RIGHT NOW? No? There you go. I don't give a fuck if it worked for 3 years straight, it doesn't work NOW. Why did it just stop working? Well, I didn't pass psychics class, and the computer doesn't talk, so I have no idea. Come to think of it, I don't really give a shit WHY, I just know it doesn't, and that's all that matters.

15. Warranties expire. It happens every day. So now you are pissed that your product died 2 days out of warranty? You know what I did, I programmed that device to die just outside warranty just to piss you off, no other reason. Yes it sucks. I had 4 drives die in my computer in a 6 month period, all out of warranty. Pissed me off too. Welcome to the world of electronics. Shit happens.

To those of you who call, maybe under stress, but are decent, nice, do what you are told, and don't flick us shit, I thank you.

To the rest of you who match the profile above, you are an asshole, probably always have been, and you will never be happy. I'm glad I don't work in call centers and deal with you pricks now. I was just trying to make a living, but you had to be the worlds biggest asshole.