fuck this job.com

I feel compelled to post.

I was so ticked off and scatter brained at work today that I accomplished virtually nothing. It was all fine and good at the time, until the day came to an end and my boss asked for this report. I didn't have it done, so now I have to be in the office at 6 or 7 AM to finish this report and do a good job on it. Fuck. Me. In. The. Ass. With. No. Vaseline.

Yep, I think I'll go slit my wrists now.

Its funny the way the last couple of days have played out. Had an awesome weekend when my bro/sis came to visit. Was totally relaxed. Wasn't on my meds! And I try to ride the positive vibes out med-free. Well, today's Tuesday, day 2 without meds, and I feel like my life has fallen back apart again. I'll take the meds tomorrow morning, I'll get to work at 6 am, I'll write a good enough report, and I'll do just enough for my sedentary/stagnant lifestyle to continue. This has been the virtual cycle for the last 10 months.

It so funny to think how far I've actually fallen down. I moved to this city brimming with confidence, enthusiasm, a zest for life and a positive outlook on the future. I was in the best shape of my life. I was a freakin animal. I had been fat my whole life, and I was bordering on ripped. I had a great social life. I had a bunch of friends. Life was good.

Then I started my new job.

Since then I have stopped working out. I've become anti-social. I've lost all my confidence. I'm just this upright walking human body, absolutely just going through the proverbial motions. What's startling is that none of this is that outrageous/shocking/apalling to me. What do you expect when you wake up in the morning, sit at your desk at work all day doing mindless word, come home, get stoned and watch mindless amounts of television?

Today at work I was really heavily pondering what I would do if I just walked out of the office right then and there. Gathered my stuff, left my laptop there, and just walked the fuck out. Just burnt the damn bridge, never to be seen or heard from again. God, how incredibly liberating that would feel? That would feel exhilirating. Gee whiz, I actually have time in the day to do things I want to do! A novelty unlike any other! Free time? What? What's that??

My goddamn fitness people. I worked so goddamn fucking hard to get in shape, and its gone. It's fucking gone. All that blood, sweat and tears is gone. Torturing myself in the kitchen. Torturing my body. Pushing myself to literal exhaustion. Gone. All gone. All gone because I sit at a desk surfing the internet, completing mindless office work.

So all those years studying in school amounted to this???

Is someone playing a very, very cruel joke on me?