fuck this job.com

What's that you say? The pressures of being a preppy little suburban piece of shit got you down? Need to drown your sorrows in a shimmering pool of cold, refreshing brain poison?

If that "motherfucker of a professor who's so old he can't remember what it's like to have a real life anymore" has given you so much Biology 101 homework that you can't remember which way to turn your baseball cap -- or maybe you just can't say "it's Monday" until you've acted like a rampaging nimrod in public at least three times, then this is the right place for you. Read on, and I will divulge to you the ins and outs of purchasing alchohol underage.

If You are Male and You Look as if You Need a Babysitter, Don't Try.

If you are under five feet tall and you have cheeks that may roughly be described as "pinchable," then you were not born before 1983, no matter what your ID says. Girls have a great deal of leniency in this category, but any boy who appears to have separated from his mother will be refused purchase.

Do Not Be Too Eager or Helpful.

Your cashier has been treated like shit by your ilk all day. For this reason, you are going to raise a few red flags if you come bounding up to the counter -- with your tongue hanging out and tail wagging -- offering your ID before it's asked of you. When you pose a question to which you already know the answer (i.e. "Do you need to see my ID?"), you raise two suspicions: Either (a). You've just had your twenty-first birthday and you're so fucking proud of yourself that you can't stand it (and neither, by the way, can your cashier), or (b). You have a fake ID, and you're a cocky pissant. Nobody wants to be a cocky pissant, and yet so many are.

Mysteries such as this are beyond the scope of a humble pamphlet like myself.

If You're Buying for a Group of Minors, Then Don't Bring the Group of Minors. Idiot.

When you approach a register with a buggy full of 24-packs and cases of longnecks, you've made it unavoidably clear that you intend to share. When you bring a group with you, you've made it eye-gougingly obvious who you're going to share with. You have now subjected all of your friends to the carding process, and if one is underage, then nobody is leaving with beer. Do not ask if everyone else can go outside while you make the purchase. It doesn't work that way. It works this way: You all should leave before your cashier decides to report you to the proper authority. With this threat in mind, you should also consider the ramifications that develop when you make a scene. Leave quietly, leave quickly, and don't return to that particular store. Ever.

If You Have a Fake ID, Don't Show the Real ID.

You've used the fake ID once too often, and your very last brain cell has breathed its last. Is that what happened?

No, Your Cashier is Not Cool.

When caught, it is not a good idea to sweet-talk or attempt to butter your cashier up. If your cashier was hip to your ridiculous vibe, then your cashier would be making the alchohol purchase instead of refusing it. Your cashier does not feel bad about ruining your fun, because your cashier would prefer to be doing something other than cashiering on a Saturday night just as much as you would like to be drinking yourself stupid. You have just inadvertently become your cashier's fun, and your cashier won't be giving that up for all the preppy-shit-brownie-points in the known universe. Most of all, your cashier does not want to go to jail. So fuck off.